Repeating Performance

...as I ponder and reflect my races, I wade through and explore patterns of my performance, some of which annoyingly repeat.

We all run and train and engage in races to challenge ourselves.  In a way, we try to create our own patterns, create our own destiny.

Still, I get into those moods where I feel I'm stuck in some repeating pattern and there is no way out no matter how hard I try.

That is when... I look first outwards at my race performances in review.  When I find nothing helpful which precisely outlines my destiny options, then I switch and look inwards.

My First Memory

Instead of looking at today's world, which is pretty much a chaotic mess, I revert to more simpler times, such as... my first memory.

My very first memory,  I was probably about two years old.

What I remember was sitting with a lot of other people around the same age as myself.

This experience to me seemed like it was some kind of party.  I made the assumption that there was gifts going around.

Knowing that I might be getting gifts, I remember being very attentive.  Looking for the rules I had to follow to get those gifts that seemed to be going around.

All of us in the group were sharing ideas on what we needed to do to... establishing the rules we all had to follow.  I was trying hard to capture all the communication.  I was having a tough time figuring it out, I'm not the best at taking notes.

I also remember trying to see if I could persuade the people next to me if I could be passed some gifts considering that was the rules of the game.  I remember receiving something and I felt I had to pass it on, because I was about to get some better gift.   I passed on whatever I had to make sure I was free'd up.

I was quite excited.  What a party.

In reality, if you were to see me in that very experience, you would most likely see a bunch of snotty nosed toddlers sat down all in a tight circle by their parents.  Crying and throwing things around, making a mess and sporadically chanting clueless rants.

To all of us, however, in that circle of toddlers, it was very complex and meaningful and extremely important.   What is interesting about this memory, as I remember it, is that I built up side stories about every person at the so called 'party'.  I built up side stories about the game, about gift receiving and giving, about how everyone was communicating with me on how the game as to be followed.

Essentially, I made assumptions, made generalizations and everything fit the story, all aligning together towards me getting a gift.

Racing Patterns

Now, I am not going to sit here and analyze my first memory and how it plays out in my race performances.  All I can suggest is that it is still in my banks.

Whether or not I value my performance is not what I am trying to figure out here.  Rather it is such that I am wondering why I keep repeating the same performances over and over.

I'm just annoyed with repeating performances, whatever the value is.

Lose Yourself to Grow

There is however, one very unique performance, that I have had the chance to experience at least a few times out of my hundreds of races and tournaments.  That very unique performance is why I keep trying and coming out.

What is that unique performance?   It is the performance that just doesn't fit with my regular pattern of performance.  Where I somehow perform at some level or another that is beyond current comprehension.  Rarely happens, but I can assure that for each of those instances, I grew in character.

So, if I think about those unique performances in congruence with anything else in my life.  I appeal that I wasn't carrying anything with me into those instances.  I actually was not really even thinking or aware or even there.  I lost myself, I let go of everything and just relaxed and let whatever happen, happen.  That is the benefit of being caught up in the moment of a race and letting go.  Running sometimes does that if you allow it.

I just sometimes look for uniqueness out of every race, every performance.  Dredging through my first ever memory is quite complicated to carry around with me everywhere.  I actually feel it weighs me down when I race, no matter how I would want to analyze it.  Even if it is silent back in my sub-conscience.

Part of losing yourself is also losing all of that complexity that weighs you down.  Which is the idea of just letting go.  When I let go, I do lose myself in the performance, not concerned with however it turns out... as if it was to be a new experience, becoming the new, more relevant first memory of my life.